by David Sheskin

 

A

Aged Amorous Armadillo

An aged, amorous armadillo who had an appetite for apricots, apples and avocados was attracted to an aloof, amoral anteater who was allergic to azaleas, alfalfa and artichokes. But alas, the armadillo had little allure for the anteater who was way more attracted to an athletic, adulterous alligator or for that matter even an arthritic, apathetic aardvark.

 

B

Beloved Beige and Brown Beagle

While browsing for beans and berries beneath a boisterous, buzzing beehive a bearded Bulgarian barber’s beloved beige and brown beagle was bushwhacked by a bitter, bleary-eyed Bosnian bookie who’d been bilked out of billions of bucks by the barber and assorted other beaucoup boobs who’d made batches of bad bets that had driven the bookie into bankruptcy.

 

C

Cunning Callous Calico Cat

A compassionate, conscientious Canadian cook owned a cunning, callous calico cat that captured and killed a clumsy, careless canary after which the calculating cat crammed the remains of the canary into a clandestine crevice in a corner of the cook’s kitchen. One afternoon while canvassing the kitchen for a piece of castaway cutlery the cook came upon the cloistered crevice containing the cold, cadaverous remains of the by then crusty canary, after which the cook sought out the contemptible cat and condemned it for its calamitous conduct.

 

D

Diminutive Dainty Debutante

A diminutive, dainty debutante declined to date both a debonair, devoted dance instructor and a dynamic, distinguished dentist, but instead allowed herself to be deflowered by a dissolute, dishonest doctor who when not deceiving the debutante either dissected deceased desiccated dowagers or dispensed defunct drugs for such diverse disorders as diverticulosis, dementia and dandruff.

 

E

Enchanting Ecuadorian Esthetician

An enchanting Ecuadorian esthetician who possessed exceptional expertise in etiquette invited an erudite Estonian entomologist to an exquisite extravaganza that was sponsored by an eminent, empathetic doctor who specialized in the treatment of encephalitis, endometriosis and eczema. Also invited to the elegant event were an ensemble of extroverted equestrians, eleven elderly eccentric elementary educators and an enigmatic exterminator from Edinburgh who excelled at eliminating environmental elements that engendered epidemics.

 

F

Fifteen Fiddlers from Fiji

Fifteen fearless, freeloading fiddlers from Fiji finagled their way into a fancy fundraiser in faraway Finland and frisked four hundred and forty- four flamboyant fools bedecked in frilly and flowery finery in order to filch a fortune in funds which they later used to purchase forty-four fuzzy, fidgety ferrets, fourteen varieties of flavorful fruit, a flotilla of flaky flying fish, fifty-five fashionable furs and five hundred fifty- five fiberglass futons.

 

G

Gentle Geriatric Gorilla

While gorging on grapes, guava and gooseberries a gentle, geriatric gorilla in Ghana observed a group of gossipy gynecologists from Guatemala gawking at a graceful, gangling, gold and grey giraffe stranded in a garden of gardenias grazing on grain, gherkins and grapefruit.

 

H

Hateful Hobo

High on heroin and a hodgepodge of hallucinogens a hateful hobo with horrible halitosis attempted to hijack a high-priced, high-powered helicopter that regularly hauled heaps of hemp, huckleberries, horseradish and hummus from Honolulu to Hanoi. Once airborne the pilot, a handsome, hardworking, husky man with a handlebar mustache who a history of heart attacks, hearing loss and hemorrhoids hammered a horrified and subsequently hysterical hobo with his hairy, heavy hands, after which he landed the helicopter and watched the hapless hobo being hauled away in handcuffs.  

 

I

Introspective Introverted Internist

While vacationing in Israel an introspective, introverted internist from Indonesia whose parents had immigrated to America from India and who suffered from an indiscriminate collection of irksome infirmities such as insomnia, impotence and indigestion impregnated the itinerant, impulsive daughter of an illiterate, invalid Italian innkeeper who a month earlier had succumbed to influenza. Incredibly, years later the illegitimate offspring of the illicit coupling exhibited an incomparable intelligence that resulted in an almost infinite number of impactful inventions.

 

J

Jobless Jaded Journalist

Outside a jaunty juice bar in Jacksonville a jobless, double-jointed, jaded Jamaican journalist jousted with a judgmental, jaundiced, jingoistic Japanese juggler over whether a jumbo sized jar filled with jellybeans was worth more than a jacket the juggler was wearing which was decorated with pictures of jaguars, jacarandas and jackrabbits.

 

K

Kinky Kleptomaniac

After snorting a kilo of cocaine a cunning, kinky cold blooded kleptomaniac from Korea who subsisted on a diet of kimchi, kale, kumquats and kabobs tried to kidnap a kindhearted, kissable caterer from Kazakhstan named Katrina who was completely competent in karate and lived in accordance with the precepts of the Koran. A suddenly choleric caterer rendered the klepto kaput when she kicked him in the kidneys, after which she treated herself to a casserole stuffed full of kasha, kiwis, kelp, kippers and king crab.

 

L

Lonely Liberal Lawyer

A lonely, liberal, left-handed lawyer from Louisiana named Larry who largely because of his linguistic limitations was lacking in legal skills fell in love with a languid, leggy lady named Lola who was addicted to lasagna, licorice, lip balm and lacy lingerie. Looking to lure Lola Larry leased a luxurious lavender Lexus from a larcenous, loud-mouthed, light-fingered lout named Lorenzo he’d located in Louisville but because Lorenzo had neglected to lubricate and leak-proof the Lexus Larry became ensnared in limitless litigation to liquidate the lemon during which time Lola was no longer languishing in Louisiana but instead had moved to Las Vegas where she’d linked up with a lithe, laid-back lacrosse playing life coach named Lorenzo.  

 

M

Majestic Macaw

Missing since March from Malaysia, a majestic maroon and magenta macaw who many months earlier had emigrated to Madagascar mysteriously rematerialized on the mainland one midnight during a moist and muggy May in the midst of a monstrous monsoon perched on a mango tree in the middle of a mucky meadow filled with marigolds, magnolias and maize. The by then malodorous meadow was bordered on one side by a murky pond filled with millions of microbes and a multitude of mallards that fed on a myriad of mosquitos, millipedes and midges and on the other side by a magnificent marble mansion owned by a mercurial, misogynistic, misanthropic millionaire named Milton who was a maven on Marxism, metaphysics, and magnetism. Many mornings after the monsoon had moderated moody Milton was mesmerized by the sight of the no longer missing macaw maneuvering among a mishmash of mutilated magnolias, maimed marigolds and moribund mangos and summarily ordered his manservant a mild-mannered, modest man from Malawi named Makai to make his way out into the massacred meadow to mete out to the by now malnourished macaw a mouthwatering meal of melons, mulberries, monkfish and microwaved moussaka. 

 

N

Narcissistic Nit-Wit

A nineteen-year- old narcissistic nit-wit from Nevada named Nehemiah who liked to nibble on nachos, nuts and nougat until he became nauseous awakened from a nightmare in which a ninety-year- old nearsighted, neurotic nun from Norway who except for pair of neon nylons was naked underneath a diaphanous nightgown was nagging a nerdy numerologist from the Netherlands to persuade a nimble albeit nonviolent Nigerian ninja to neutralize a nasty Nicaraguan night watchman who was negotiating with a niggardly Nepalese nomad to smuggle a large container filled with narcotics, nitroglycerine and napalm into North Korea. 

 

O

Overweight Orthodontist

At an outlandish October auction in Oakland attended by oodles of people obsessed with oddities and antiquities an overweight, outspoken, opportunistic orthodontist from Orlando who was addicted to opium, oxytocin and oysters outbid an oddball, optimistic, one-legged optician from Omaha who was obsessed with ostriches, opera and osmosis on an old orange and ochre Oldsmobile that had an oxidized ornament of an owl mounted over the odometer.

 

P

Pack of Pagan Pirates

A particularly unpleasant, perverse, predatory pack of profane, pagan pirates who’d fled a life of penury roamed high seas and penetrated ports in all parts of the world taking no prisoners and pitilessly punching, pounding, pulverizing and pummeling  any person who tried to protect themselves or prevent the pathological, petulant pirates from plundering their property. Over a protracted period of time the pugnacious pirates procured a plethora of pillage that included a pair of powerful, playful albeit prickly Paraguayan palominos and a payload of pallets filled with packages containing a plentitude of precious pearls from the Philippines, premium perfume from Peru, pricey pink and purple parasols from Pakistan, particularly palatable peaches from Portugal and a parcel filled with parboiled pickles from Poland.

 

Q

Quartet of Quadruplets

After feasting on a meal of quail eggs, quiche and quahog a quirky, quick-witted quartet of quadruplets from Qatar named Quentin, Quincy, Quintessa and Queenie were quarantined in the city of Quito after a quarrelsome, quick-tempered equestrian of questionable character named Quinn, who every morning had Quaker Oats for breakfast and unbeknownst to them had a highly contagious strain of influenza, quickly sold them a quantity of Quaaludes. Not long after taking leave of Quinn the Quaalude sedated quads started to quiver and quake and the following morning the bedridden febrile quartet was informed that along with Quinn they were all quarantined in Quito.

 

R

Recently Renovated Rosetta’s

A recently renovated resplendent Roman eatery named Rosetta’s run by a ravishing, raven-haired, respected restaurateur named Rossana was renowned for its risotto, ravioli and ratatouille. One rainy evening Rosetta’s was overrun by a reckless rabble of rude, rancorous ruffians who after rummaging through the premises for rosemary, ricotta, Roma tomatoes, radishes and Ragu proceeded to ransack and wreck the kitchen after which they fled with rucksacks stuffed with rigatoni, rotelle, rotini and russet potatoes as well as some rancid, rotten rarebit that someone had neglected to relegate to the rat and roach infested rubbish at the rear of the restaurant.

 

S

Shy Sensible Silvia

One sultry summer in September a shy, sensible, sentimental songstress from Sicily named Silvia who subsisted on a diet of salmon, shrimp, squash, and Sprite espied a seemingly self-assured, sexy soldier named Sancho who enjoyed sailing, skiing, surfing and skateboarding struggling to subdue a scruffy, stocky, sinister scoundrel from Scotland named Samuel who had stolen a slew of shiny, stunning sapphires from a stingy, snooty, spoiled Slovenian socialite named Sofia. As it turned out Silvia who was a stupendously super seasoned scholar when it came to self-defense summarily came to the aid of the struggling Sancho and singlehandedly subdued seedy Samuel by smashing him in the skull, socking him in the stomach, slugging him in his spleen and stomping his sorry Scottish shins.

 

T

Tucker and Tiffany

A more than a tad tipsy, tattooed, tense, tired trucker from Toledo named Tucker who had a terrible temper and a tendency to throw titanic tantrums had to go to the toilet but was two hours tardy transporting a truck full of tasty tacos to Tulsa as he  tailgated a tiny Toyota driven by a typically tranquil, trusting, tenderminded teacher named Tiffany who taught typing, tango, trigonometry and the trumpet as well as coaching trampoline, tennis and taekwondo to a ton of talented, talkative, teenage students at a terrific, tip-top, top-of-the-line technical school in Texas. With Tucker dangerously close to her tail a by then terribly terrified Tiffany temporarily terminated what had become a tumultuous trek back to Texas by turning off the thruway whereupon she tranquilized herself with a tipple of tequila and ten tangy tangerine tarts.

 

U

Unassuming Unsophisticated Ursula

Ursula, who was an unwed, unassuming, unsophisticated, undersized lady, had her uncle Umberto who was an uncouth, unpleasant, unlovable and utterly unbearable human being who had worked unstintingly as an usher at an unpopular, unkempt movie theater for an undeterminable number of years cremated by an unscrupulous, unsavory, unprofessional undertaker who unburdened himself of umpteen unclaimed urns by dumping them under an underpass underneath an unmonitored thruway under which were an unfathomable number of unwanted umbrellas as well as an undefined number of urbanite’s unappetizing, unrecognizable, unmentionables including unwashed underwear. 

 

V

Vain Viennese Ventriloquist 

While vacationing in a villa outside the Vatican a vertigo afflicted, vain Viennese ventriloquist named Victor videotaped a voluptuous, virginal violin virtuoso named Vivian playing volleyball on an almost vacant, verdant veranda with a venerated visionary named Vladimir and a versatile, virile vagabond from Venezuela named Vincenzo.

 

W

Wilbur and Winona

One windy winter weekend at a well-attended, welcoming wine tasting for the well-connected in the woodlands of western Wyoming a well-groomed, well-respected, worldly weatherman named Wilbur from Wisconsin wooed a well-dressed, well-endowed widow from Winnipeg named Winona. When in a moment of weakness as Wilbur and Winona were waltzing around a wooden dance floor Wilbur confided he only washed once a week and that it excited him to watch women getting whipped, Winona, to his surprise, instead of wincing, winked and said she was really a worthless wanton wench who wiled away most of her waking hours smoking weed and wooing wealthy men on the world wide web.

 

X

Extroverted Expatriate Xavier

The day after Xmas an extroverted, exiled, excommunicated, expatriate named Xavier who was a former Xerox executive who possessed exceptional expertise with the Xylophone, as well as enjoying excellent insights into the elements of existentialism, elected to exit Mexico as a result of experiencing extreme exasperation when the authorities informed him his visa had expired and that he was about to be indicted for extortion, indecent exposure, exportation of almost extinguished exotic albeit not yet extinct species and unauthorized exhumation of certain individuals who had expired — all of which he expected to be exonerated of due to exceedingly extenuating experiences he’d endured during his extended and extremely expensive stay in the exquisite environs of Mexico.

 

Y

Yappy Yiddish Speaking Yuppie

A yappy Yiddish speaking yuppie named Yara who graduated from Yale and once worked as a guide at Yellowstone National Park excelled at twirling a yo-yo and for years had subsisted on a diet of yogurt, yucca, yams and yellowfin tuna. At some point in time a no longer youthful Yara whiled away her days yearning to reconnect with a yarmulke-wearing, yodeling yachtsman named Yosef she’d once shared a cup of Yorkshire pudding with in Yonkers where the two of them both having recently recovered from a bout of yellow fever met one Yom Kippur while practicing yoga in a yellow jacket infested basement of a Yeshiva built years earlier by a Yugoslavian émigré.

 

Z

Zesty Zealous Zebra

A zesty, zealous Zebra from Zimbabwe who escaped from his enclosure zipped and zoomed around the zoo until he suddenly zigged and zagged and arrived in a garden filled with zinnias and zucchini where he encountered a zaftig, zoned out zombie strumming on a zither made out of zinc zillions of years earlier by a zany Zen master.