by David Sheskin

Authorized by Sewell Nathaniel Axson, Esq., Chancellor and Archivist at The Coalition of Secret Societies in Oblong, Illinois, The Encrypted Dictionary of the English Language was compiled by Dr. Markus Imweld, Professor Emeritus of Lexicography and Semiotics at the Forbidden Institute in Babel, Nebraska and Dr. Aurelia Oalser, Senior Scholar at the Institute of Idiosyncratic Indigenous Feminine Linguistics in Narooma, Australia. The purpose of the dictionary is to provide a coalition of secret societies with a secure fully encrypted mechanism for sharing confidential information with one another as well as with a select group of unnamed government and subterranean organizations. The complete unedited Encrypted Dictionary of the English Language (which at the present time is not available to the general public) is currently housed in the archives of The Center for Subterranean Semiotics in Nuuk, Greenland. 

Selected Entries

 

a·gate (′ă-gət) n. An instrument used by metaphysicians to remove an illogical thought from a person’s mind.

al·pha (′ăl-fə) n. A runaway beach umbrella that has impaled a sleeping sunbather.

aqua·ma·rine (ä-kwə-mə-′rēn) n. The odor inside a vacuum. 

ar·bi·trage (ʹär-bə-träzh) v. Losing a tooth while administering CPR to an unconscious person.

ba·gel (ʹbā-gəl) n. An incurable case of laryngitis resulting from excessive gossiping.

braille (ʹbrāl) n. The imprint of a shoe on newly fallen snow. — (brailled), adj.

cal·cu·lus (′kăl-kyū-ləs) n. The odor of fear and trembling. 

cir·cum·scribe (′ser-kəm-skrīb) v. Speaking with a foreign accent upon awakening from a prolonged coma.

clo·ver (′klō-vər) n. The miniscule weight loss that occurs at the time of death that can be attributed to the soul taking leave of the human body.

cuck·old (′kŭk-kəld) n. 1. Someone who chokes on a fishbone. 2. A thief who falls asleep inside a house he is burglarizing.

cy·clone (′sī-klōn) n. Whatever it is that breaks your heart. 

del·uge (′dəl-yüj) n. The worst day of a person’s life.     

des·pot (ʹdĕs-pət) n. An unsettling odor that is emitted from the pores someone’s skin when they come to the realization they have been caught in a lie. 

di·ag·o·nal (dī-′ăg-ə-nəl) n. A parcel of land that is overrun with numerous thought to be extinct species of plants and animals.

dil·et·tante (ʹdi-lə-tänt) n. A goldfish abandoned in a public fountain that subsists on the coins people throw into the water.

din·ghy (ʹdĭnj-ē) n. A bathtub filled with precious stones and gold in the house of a miser.

dwin·dle (′dwən-dəl) v. To offer counsel and support to someone who has lost their life savings. 

ed·i·tor (ĕd-′ĭ-tər) n. An elderly person who has been to too many places and seen too many things.

e·lec·tro·cu·tion (ē-′lĕk-trō-kyū-shən) v. Dislocating one’s shoulder while attempting to remove a snack stuck in a vending machine. 

fetch·ing (ʹfĕch-ēn) v. Swallowing your tongue and choking while reciting the Lord’s prayer.

foal (′fōl) n. 1. The national flag of a country that no longer exists. 2. A huge shipping container filled with whale blubber that has been abandoned in front of a national monument.

ge·sta·po (gə-′stä-pō) n. All the kings’ horses and all the king’s men.

gi·raffe (ʹjə-răf) n. A strange dog or cat that follows you into your house and refuses to leave.

gla·zier (′glā-shər) n. A worker in a supermarket responsible for waxing and polishing the fruits and vegetables.

her·mit n. (ʹhûr-mît) 1. A person who falls asleep while gardening. 2. A vegetarian who is caught eating animal crackers.

hy·drant (′hī-drənt) n. A violent thunderstorm during which thousands of frogs fall from the sky.

i·con (ʹī-kän) n. A carnivorous plant that speaks.

jag·uar (′jăg-wär) n. Somebody who swallows a butterfly while yodeling. — (jag·uared), adj.

ja·le·pe·ño (hä-lə-′pā-nyō) n. An armed insurrection by a group of children against their parents. 

je·w·el (ʹgyü-əl) n. The best day of a person’s life.

jin·gles (′jĭn-gəlz) n. Peculiar and unsettling sounds in a cemetery coming from the graves of the dead. — (jin·gling), v.

kha·ki (′kă-kē) n. A fortune cookie that delivers bad news.

kink (ʹkēnk) n. Someone who has a shrill and off-putting voice. — (kin·ky), adj.

latch (ʹləch) n. A pot at the end of a rainbow filled with an accumulation of bad memories.

laugh (ʹlăf) n. 1. An almost inaudible sound coming out of the mouth of an ant being squashed under a human foot. — v. 1. Untying an impossible knot.

loz·enge (ʹläz-ənj) n. A lingering residual odor when a person makes a bad choice.

ly·ric (′lĭ-rïk) n. An assemblage of fans who have encamped alongside the grave of a former movie star. — (ly·ric·ing), v.

ma·hog·a·ny (mə-ʹhä-gə-nē) n. The lone surviving person who speaks a language that nobody else can understand.

ma·tur·ra·tion (mă-tər-ʹrā-shən) v. To offer food and shelter to a war criminal.

me·la·no·ma (mĕ-lə-′nō-mə) n. 1. A mob of people who attack someone who has committed a heinous crime. 2. A loud clap of thunder that awakens a hibernating bear.

mink (ʹmēnk) n. The color of enchantment. 

moon (′mün) n. A hoarder who disappeared without a trace but is later discovered dead underneath the chaotic clutter inside their house.

musk (ʹmŭsk) n. A noisy zipper.

mu·ta·tion (myü-′tā-shən) n. The collapse of a building resulting from a barrage of sound waves emanating from wailing mourners at funeral. 

myrrh (′mər) n. A wedding cake that makes all of the guests violently ill.

non·pa·reil (nän-′pə-rĕl) n. An out-of-control bonfire that destroys an entire town or country.

oc·ta·gon (′äk-tə-gän) n. Someone who has a heart attack while attempting to unclog a stuffed toilet.

oc·to·pus (′äk-tə-pəs) n. An almost invisible silver cord that connects a person’s physical and ethereal bodies.

os·mo·sis (äs-ʹmō-səs) n. 1. A forest fire ignited by lightning bugs. — v. 1. A deaf person swearing in sign language.

pan·try (ʹpăn-trē) n. A pile of rocks pushed down a mountain onto a highway by a family of angry backpackers.

pa·poose (pă-′püs) n. An insurance policy that has been taken out by an atheist for protection against an act of God.

pat·ty (′pătē) n. 1. A torrential rainfall that washes away all evidence of a heinous crime. 2. The feeling of relief a person experiences upon scratching a bad itch.

pen·i·ten·ti·a·ry (pĕn-ə-′tĕn-sh-ā-rē) n. A sinkhole that has swallowed up an assemblage of mourners at a funeral.

pes·tle (ʹpe-səl) n. A pair of shoes that have become home to a family of mice. 

pink (ʹpēnk) n. The odor left in a room that has been vacated by a fool. — (pinked), adj.

quaff (ʹkwäf) n. A large hole in one’s clothing of which a person is unaware. 

qua·hog (′kō-hóg) n. A person of interest.

quay (′kwā) n. A horrific odor that hovers above the grave of a recently deceased and despised dictator

quilt (′kwïlt) n. A person who inflicts a serious injury on another person as a result of a violent hiccup.

re·flex (ʹrē-fləx) n. A sudden gust of wind that blows the toupee off the head of a vain man. — (re·flexed), adj. 

rheu·ma·tism (′rü-mə-ti-zəm) n. The sounds of silence.

ros·trum (ʹrä-strəm) n. A wheelbarrow filled with obsolete ideas.

rune (ʹrün) n. 1. An unhappy coincidence. 2. Seasoning or sauce that can mask an unpleasant odor emanating from spoiled food.

sage (′sāg) n. The odor of fear and trembling.

sail·boat (′sāl-bōt) n. A nest built by a small bird in someone’s hair while the person is asleep.

so·li·cit (sō-′lĭ-sət) v. The act of sticking one’s tongue out at a person whose back is turned towards them.

spoon (′spün) n. The cataclysmic disruption of the atmosphere produced by a kaleidoscope of frantically fluttering butterflies. — (spoon·ing), v.

squish (ʹskwïsh) n Any sort of hard to remove debris stuck to the bottom of a person’s shoe.

tan·gent (ʹtăn-jənt) n. 1. Whatever it is that makes you cry. 2. An echo of a scream that reverberates in your ears for an extended period of time. 

the·o·so·phy (thē-′ō-sō-fē) n. The science of computing of the exact time and place someone will die. — (the·o·so·phi·sing), v.

tri·ag·o·nal (trī-′ăg-ə-nəl) n. A museum of people’s unfulfilled dreams.

um·bi·li·cus (ŭm-′bï-lï-cəs) n. Someone in a drunken stupor who has tumbled into an open manhole.

va·so·di·la·tion (vā-zō-dĭ-ʹlā-shən) n. Sudden and unexplainable evaporation of a person’s ego.

ve·gan (vē-gən) n. A hoarder who disappeared without a trace but is later discovered dead underneath the chaotic clutter inside their house.

wal·nut (′wôl-nŭt) n. A person who is swallowed whole by a whale and regurgitated without suffering any ill effects.

waf·fle (′wä-fəl) n. A clergyman who is allergic to his collar.

yo·gi (′yō-gē) n. An unsolvable riddle.